19 Sep Relationships, and the desperate need to feel heard.
“Say something, I’m giving up on you”
And I… I’m feeling so small It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I… will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Do these words ring true? How often in communication with our partner or any relationship do we feel that sense of desperation and need to feel heard?
If this is a constant struggle, our words, like the words in this song, lead to “I’m giving up on you”! You start to feel small and your sense of self worth is diminished. We stumble and fall!
In relationship, we are learning about ourselves and those around us. Patterns from our family of origin seem to re-appear. We may have the feelings, however we don’t always know how to love, how to be a loving partner, friend or parent, we are starting to crawl.
Most couples and individuals, come to counselling, looking for better communication skills. There are definite ways of communicating, however more important to the dialogue script, the emotional grip of fear and shame can create barriers and walls of protection. The dread of voicing our fears and hurts to one another can lead to our natural survival strategies of fight/flight or after a prolonged period of time, feelings of despair or freeze, and eventual stonewalling. When we fight, criticism and blame arise quite naturally, or we want to run away and hide, pushing the other person away. This leads to patterns which are tough to break, without guidance and support.
Bringing who you are to any relationship, your TRUE SELF, is revealing, with possible fears of rejection and conflict. A possible outcome, “avoidance” terrified to confront what matters most. And so the cycle goes, confusion and misunderstanding.
“Please listen to me” “Did you hear anything I said?” “Why won’t you talk to me?”
The risks involved, the courage to “show up”, involves practice, a lasting practice to remove what obstructs us from expressing who we are, a growing and learning experience of authenticity.
Opening yourself before another, exposing your essence before another, this makes love possible.
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can’t complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It’s only beginning
To find release
You should have listened
There is someone here inside